Archive for category Jo’s Techniques

So Sarah sent me this “House Rules” she made for her family, and for her efforts, I want to tweak it and teach you all why I’ve made the changes I have – so here goes:

The Chart – Is clear and simple – ★

  • No Shouting – Is realistic to ask for in indoor behavior however children are learning to gage their volume all the time and when kids get excited or angry that emotion can lead to raised volume so it should not be punished for but simply told as a reminder.
  • No Jumping – Is about respect for property and our belongings as well as sometimes safety, so if you demand no jumping regarding furniture that it is, however if it’s about not jumping at all then that is not realistic and rather controlling.
  • No Running – Again it applies to a household and the layout that creates safety, however if in excitement your child runs down the stairs they should not be punished for this.
  • Do Not Climb or Stand On The Sofa – This is a Direct clear rule, this is reasonable. ★
  • No Whining – This is a tone that children use to get what they want or when complaining mostly, it can be dispelled when we teach our children to use their voice properly and listen to what they are saying validating them. This action should not be punished.
  • No Lying – This is a tricky one for most parents to navigate, but to get the most from our children is to teach them the importance of honesty as we are helping them to build character, The grey area is here, we do not punish children for telling lies, we teach them that they wont get into trouble for lying however if they lied about breaking a window with a ball and now we know they were honest about it, the consequence might be to make them pay for the window by them not having pocket money that week or missing out on a paid trip to the cinema using that money instead. So that they learn accountability.
  • Be Kind to Each Other – This is a nice way of saying, no hurting one another as that is mean behavior – ★
  • Tidy Up Your Mess – This is about responsibility so every Child should be taking care of their belongings and keeping their room clean even if not so tidy, be mindful of age and what your child can actually do – ★
  • Do Your Daily Job – Again this is about everybody doing something and making more hands help around the home, when age appropriate this is great -★

Here are the changes I would make – can you guess?:

Out of 9 I would now only have ★ 4 ★ on my House Rules list.

Remember House Rules are to encourage better behavior we want to see, that fosters respect an mindfulness towards others and property. It is about having and teaching self respect.

It is very easy to mistake the above unrealistic rules written however we have to be careful not to use Time outs-punishment as the wrong application trying to control a child as this is not okay. Knowing when to teach and when to give consequences for actions that have an impact on something or someone is the difference.

Last but not Least Rules Do Not earn rewards-money.

If you are quiet in a library as expected you are not given money or a reward.

Rules are a given, when broken there are consequences. 

However if you choose to give pocket money you can do so as a privilege but not connected to your House Rules.

 

Copywritten by Jo-Frost

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Controlled Timed Crying Technique (CTCT) Let me set the record straight, this technique is not the “Controlled Crying Technique” that is known in American as the “Ferber Technique.” My technique does not suggest letting your child cry without any contact. Nor does it apply if your child is younger than the ability to consume milk […]

controlled timed cryingControlled Timed Crying Technique (CTCT)

Let me set the record straight, this technique is not the “Controlled Crying Technique” that is known in American as the “Ferber Technique.” My technique does not suggest letting your child cry without any contact. Nor does it apply if your child is younger than the ability to consume milk and solids throughout the day, or is sick, teething, or adopted with abandonment issues. The Controlled Timed Crying Technique is to help you, as parents and caretakers, teach your infants to self soothe, so that they may obtain the sleep that is critical for them in their health and development. You helping them helps the whole family from sleep deprivation…as we know it is nobody’s best friend. Babies need to feel secure, safe and familiar in their sleeping surroundings, with a sense of knowing that knowing their parents are there at all times.  But as we know growth is not always easy and once we have taught our child this milestone we will begin to see the rewards.

1.) After bath, milk, stories, kisses, cuddles, and fresh diapers/nappy place your child into their cot/crib. Say to your child, “night-night time for sleepy’ and walk out of the bedroom.

2.) When your child cries; you are going to actively listen, but take no action for 2 minutes. (At this time I want you to become aware that your impulse to respond to your child’s cry will be very natural. So responding is likely to make you panicked anxious and edgy to get back into that bedroom ASAP.  This is because this is what you have done over the last 6 months. However you know that you have had a fun and stimulating loving day with your child and that tonight is about you teaching your child how to self soothe and sleep by themselves.)

3.) After 2 minutes go back into the bedroom. If your baby is just laying down crying, put your hand on their tummy, look at the bridge of their nose, and just say, “SHHHHHH” in a soothing sweet sweep and walk back out of the bedroom. (If your child is old enough to pull themselves up from the cot, just lay them back down and as you are laying them back down you make the “SHHHHH” noise and return back out of the bedroom.)

4.) Double the time from when you last went in. So now it will be 4 minutes and you will repeat the same exercise as above. Continue to do so until your child has settled themselves off to sleep.

Here’s what to expect…

  • Your child will start to cry and by the second minute will go up to full throttle so you respond
  • When you walk out of the room they will immediately cry and you will hear a peak in their crying and a temper cry that will ring familiar.
  • Your heart will beat faster, your adrenaline levels will increase, you will feel like you are screwing up your kid and immediately feel like you are being a bad parent because emotionally you are reacting, and your body is too.
  • Expect noise.
  • Expect the urge to go into the room right away.
  • Know that you are not screwing your kid up you are not a bad parent and that you are being a parent that constructively, in a positive way is teaching their young one how to self soothe.
  • Know that this will last no longer than 7 days

I have used the Controlled Timed Crying technique for over 24 years with parents that have instilled this technique and have successfully crossed this milestone.  I am still in touch with the young men and women who were taught how to self soothe using this technique. They are very well adjusted sane young adults. I have sat on the end of beds of mother’s who have cried after succeeding with this technique after 5 days, whom have told me that not only have they saved their child from sleepless nights but their marriage too. Parenting it truly isn’t about reinventing the cart horse here. It is merely understanding what is important in our children’s lives and instilling that.

Copywritten by Jo Frost

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The Naughty Step Technique for Discipline

This technique can be applied between the ages of 2 and 6 years old.

1.) Give a warning (This  is to stipulate the inappropriate behavior you want stopped. In a low toned voice having one to one eye contact and coming down to the child’s level as not to intimidate.)

*Walk away from the child, to give them a chance to think about what you have just said. If you see the repeated behavior, go straight to #2.

2.)Take child silently to the step, sit them on it, and explain to them why they are now in time out.

3.) Walk away set the timer for one minute per year of age. If a child calls you from their time out ignore them. If the child gets up from their time out take them back to the step with no communication and walk away resetting the timer to the beginning.

4.) When the child has sat there for the correct amount of time. Go back to explain for the second time why they were placed on The Naughty Step.

5.)Tell them they need to apologize and say sorry for their behavior (This allows the child to understand the importance in reflection, and that their actions have had an impact, and by saying sorry one can start fresh.)

6.) Hugs and kisses after the apologies. (This is important because it allows the child to see that this is their parent’s disciplining them and that mommy and daddy do still love them.)

The “What If’s” of the Naughty Step. 

 1.) My child doesn’t want to look at me when I give them a warning, and puts their hands up over their ears. When a child has done something wrong the last thing they want hear is the authoritative voice of their parent.  But trust me when I tell you they can hear every word you are saying. Hold their hands and bring them back down from their face, slow down your speech pattern and continue to give them a warning. Remember, this is your child trying to control the situation.

2.) When I take my child to the step, they keep trying to interrupt me, about what they did. And I never seem to get past step #2. When your child starts to give you a 1000 reasons why they misbehaved. Continue to explain why they are going to sit on the step and let them know that anything they want to talk about after the step is open for discuss. But for right now they are in timeout. This allows the child to realize that you mean what you say.

3.) I have to sit on my child to keep them on the naughty step as they keep running off.  It is important for you to do the discipline technique properly and not be side tracked with trying to control what you see happening. Trust in the technique, every child who is strong willed and feisty will immediately get off the step and walk away from it. The reason why they do this is to test, to see whether you will put them back on it. Your follow through is critical to the success of being able to discipline your child for difficult and unruly behavior. Follow through, follow through , follow through.

4.) My child never wants to hear the second explanation. They just want to hug me and get off the step. At this stage it is normally because the child is now feeling sad, which means reflection has taken place, which is a good thing. If they go to hug you, tell them we will do hugs in a minute but it is important that you explain. 

5.) Sometimes my child doesn’t want to say sorry and tells me to shut up and go away.  There are normally 2 reasons why this happens, one is because the child is still extremely angry  that they are being reprimanded. When they choose not to apologize it is important for you to leave them there for 30-40 seconds more until they have calmed down and ask for the apology.  Sometimes the child will tell you to go away and seconds later get off the step themselves. This is when it is important to take them back to the step and tell them apologies happen on the step. The other reason is simply they just feel like they don’t have to apologize.  And trust me I can trust you know that when a child is not willing to apologize, I can guarantee they live with parents that don’t apologize much either. In this case you will tell them if they are not prepared to apologize they can sit there a bit longer. 

6.) I go to hug and kiss my child but they don’t want hugs and kisses, and it makes me feel bad. That’s right! That is exactly their intentions. It is a child’s last attempt to make you feel bad for reprimanding them, and teaching them the importance of respecting their parents. And you thought your kids were not capable of this. Never under estimate our little intelligent cherubs. OR By the time I get to hugs and kisses I am so angry by my child behavior I don’t want to hug and kiss them. Do I really have to? Ye s it is important for you to do so, I understand how emotionally draining it can be especially in the toddler years when such behavior is repetitive. But remember as the parent you are teaching your children the difference between right and wrong and the respectful you value as a family. This is not about holding grudges you  know who your little children are. They need guidance and direction. Even when you are disciplining them to always  know that regardless you do love them.

Follow the same instructions as the Naughty Step but the only thing that will be different is that some families prefer to use this when they are out in public. The principles are the same it’s just the mindset that the application can happen if you are at the park, an event, or camping.

Copywritten by Jo Frost

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